Tuesday, March 9, 2010


A woman in my life has a nose ring. It's small and subtle. I'm near-sighted, and I only wear my glasses for driving or movies, so I can't really see it until it catches the light, and then I think it's a massive, shiny booger. I'm afraid I might try to wipe it off one day. My cousin's wife was so mired in child-raising that when he took her
out to a corporate function she had to stop herself from cutting his boss's meat for him. I still retain a residual feeling that the nose-ring-woman is a dirty person. It isn't the case, but my mind clings to that nano-second when I think she's running around with snot hanging out. I'm sure my mind puts tattooed people in the "domestic violence victim" category because I mistake tattoos for massive bruises unless I'm really close.

My not wearing glasses drives my husband berserk. We have the same prescription. He can't walk to the bathroom without his, and I don't wear mine at all. Whenever I put them on, I feel like I'm spying on people. I like the haziness. I'm an optimist, so I turn the haziness into the best case scenario. The world is so beautiful when you combine blindness and optimism. It's like glazing pottery. I like throwing, but glazing week is a high. Every pot, while I'm glazing it, embodies the best possible version of the glaze I'm using. They rarely come out that way; the kiln is a bitch. (probably because I'm too lazy to figure out the technology to fire it properly) I'd rather break a finished pot than one that is glazed and ready to go into the kiln. The finished pot no longer has potential.

My husband is always trying to get me to use technology. (beyond spectacles) He wrote me a song for my 40th birthday and gave it to me on a nano ipod. The song is amazing, and so is the nano...it has a wee video camera on it, but I still haven't figured out how to use it. I think it's laziness, but maybe I'm so narcissistic I want him to take all of the videos, so I'm in them. I could be worried about the virtual piles and piles of videos. I have an immaculate inbox, but I can't throw away any of the Christmas cards people give me if they have photos on them. Maybe I'll turn them into Christmas ornaments -just like I'm going to use all of the kids' drawings as wrapping paper this Christmas.

My husband is always trying modernize his mom too. He made her get an iphone. She had no interest in the camera or video until she was out bra shopping for Aunt Sue. Aunt Sue's bras might be the union organizers for all of the bras of Canada. My mother-in-law was on a 36 DDD mission. No Marshall's or TJ Max in Eastern Pennsylvania was left unturned. (I guess Canada rapes you on minimizers; they must have a massive boob tax or something) Poor Carol was at Kohl's, her last resort, trying to describe her finds to an irate Aunt Sue who just kept sputtering obsolete model numbers...It dawned on Carol that she could photograph the subjects and send the images with her new i-phone. She hung up on Sue, called Tim and he walked her through it. In the meantime the current bras have been picketing.

"The under wires are coming out all over the place!"

Don't worry Aunt Sue, the new scab bras are on their way....

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