Friday, October 23, 2015

55 more shopping days

My kids aren't going to allow me to yell at them for 2 weeks straight while I make their costumes.  They are cutting me out of the process.  Maybe I'll get to rip Toby's clothes for her zombie, but that's going to be it.

The pro-choicers have gone about this thing all wrong.  I've started to call myself "pro-abortion"  to which people respond, "Nobody is pro-abortion!"  Screw that; I AM pro-abortion.  Maybe we could go for something cute like the "Nip in the budders."  I'm sure some clever advertising person could work in the rhyme of "udder" and "budder" for a campaign slogan.  On this platform, I'll clearly be the nominee for the democratic ticket, I'll be debating Donald Trump.
"Miss Kinder, You believe in killing the lives of innocents!"  
"Actually, Mr. Trump, I'm going to take it a bit further.  I'm for abortion in ANY form even retroactive abortions.  If, for instance, your mother, Mrs. Trump regretted having given birth to you, a sentiment for which anyone without a heart of stone would have sympathy, she could go to her gynecologist at Planned Parenthood and ask to retroactively terminate her pregnancy.  Planned Parenthood wouldn't perform the procedure, but one of their affiliates would take care of the problem.  Planned Parenthood could then profit by organ harvesting in addition to their current fetal tissue sales.  Imagine if they discovered that you didn't even have a heart to harvest after your procedure?!"  
"I can see your point in the case of retroactively aborting the criminal spawn of illegal immigrants, but what about the innocents in the womb?"
"Well considering that I'd be willing to allow a virtual going back in time to abort rather than murder someone, let's go forward in time and look at most of those "innocents" when they've lived a life unwanted, uneducated, and without proper healthcare.  Very few of them remain innocent under those circumstances, so, therefore, better to just nip them in the bud, so to speak."
(massive applause)

I don't think I have a future in politics, but I'll bet Pope Francis didn't expect to be Pope. He and I share the same birthday.  Maybe this is the moment for the December 17th-ers to shake things up.  I just googled "people born on December 17" and this came up:

Endowed with strong sense of optimism and level-headedness, 
 except when faced with lost water bottles, complaints about meals, and poor behavior at school individuals born on December 17 are practical and charming folks with a hardworking and determined nature. These people have high standards and a warm-hearted independent spirit. However, given the same, they possess the maturity to accept failure as well and do not get let down by the same. or they drink so much after they've failed that they forget about it.Although self-disciplined, they enjoy breaking the rules from time to time. December 17 individuals aim to strike a balance between their ambition and dream on one hand and the assessment of their practical side and actual realization of goals on the other hand. They are methodical and disciplined in their approach and never in a hurry, taking everything one step at a time. 

December 17 individuals are health conscious folks, sometimes to the point of being health fanatics as well. Mostly, those with this birthdate face a health condition early in life which makes them extremely conscious about health matters. These people eat wisely and take in nutritious food in their daily diet. They refrain from binging on anything that is unhealthy or harmful in their daily routine. all true if you leave out the alcohol  
Another aspect on which December 17 folks are overly cognizant about is including physical exercise in their daily routine as a way to remain fit and healthy. They make sure to exercise daily for achieving overall vitality and strength. However, December 17 folks should concentrate on weight-training as it is supposed to reap in much more benefits and add on to their aim for a healthy life. I'm not a poster girl for editing, but why wasn't that bit about weight training edited out?

Financially, individuals with their birthdate on December 17 hardly face an issue all through their lives. They are destined to make money and hence find financial security for themselves and their families. Just like earning money is not much of a problem for these folks, similarly, spending is also not a curtailed effort. is becoming a serious vice People with this birthdate have an open heart and open mind and spend generously. They need to control their spending streak just a little to enjoy a balanced financial position.

The career opportunities for individuals born on December 17 are wide and varied. These people possess great entrepreneurial spirit. They are ideally suited for jobs that allow them to make a one-to-one contact with people on a regular basis. It was all looking good until I got to this part.  I spend most of my time alone with lumps of clay.  Maybe that's why I have imagined conversations with Donald Trump, Michele Obama and Brad Pitt. This is because these people have a keen understanding and knowledge of what people around them want and tirelessly make efforts and research on various topics and themes to back up their intuition. 
 yet another missed opportunity for editing, but it sounds like 12/17'ers assert that they are right about something and then search tirelessly for evidence to support this assertion.

Relationships, Marriage & Children 
Relationships are important for individuals sharing their birthdate on December 17. Whether it is parents, friends, relatives, neighbors or love interest, these people maintain healthy and cordial relationships with everyone. Romantically, these people are a little hesitant to get into a love relationship. 
 Until they find "the one," they just pretend to be in love so they can have regular sex and work all the time. This is primarily due to the fact that December 17 individuals look for autonomy even in a love relationship as well. Though space and some sort of freedom is necessary for December 17 natives, they do understand the value of having a soul mate and prefer to go through the good and bad of life as a couple than single. December 17 individuals make exceptional mates and strive to keep romance alive.  by spraying whipped cream on their mate's coffee periodically As far as parenting is concerned, they believe in giving their youngsters independence and freedom. As such, they do not make strict disciplinarians and instead allow the little ones to make their own rules and be conscious about them. How does that work out for the December 17th ers?  It's not going so well here in Mt. Airy.  Maybe that's why Pope Frances in all his wisdom chose a life of celibacy.  He can be the holy father of the Catholic Church, but he'd raise a bunch of wolves who don't know how to behave if he had his own children.

Speaking of children, I was on a field trip with Jack Peter's class.  His teacher said that he's very happy to have only 1 child.  I thought that strange, but after a day with 27 4th graders, I marvel that he didn't get a vasectomy.  I discovered through the mommy rumor mill that this teacher, Mr. Sylvan, used to be Mr. Hoffman.  He TOOK HIS WIFE'S NAME.  That galls me.  Why didn't I get Tim to take MY name?  The world has enough McDonalds in it.  Tim's family alone meets the worldwide quota of McDonalds. Tim has also told me that he hates the liaison between the "M" at the end of Tim and the "M" at the beginning of McDonald. The "clean-favored and imperially slim" (my father's words) Kinders are a dying breed.  I could have followed my dream of naming one of my daughters IO.  It just looks/sounds cool to me.  In mythology IO didn't do much.  She seduced Zeus and either he turned IO into a cow to hide her from Hera or Hera found out, was pissed, and did it herself.  Naming a girl after a home wrecking slut who got turned into a heifer is questionable in general, but imagine if her last name is McDonald.  Old McDonald had a cow...E I E IO!

I've been marveling over the 6 failed pregnancies Tim and I went through trying to have a 4th kid.  It's mind-boggling.  What kind of person doesn't get the hint like that?  Being a potter is my excuse.  I make A LOT of really crappy pottery.  Only about 15% of what I make really sings.  I throw stuff into my shard boxes in hopes that a prolific mosaic maker will come and take them away.  I donate pots to charity events.  It follows that I wanted to have tons of kids because given my success rates in the studio, there are bound to be some lemons in the bunch.  And yet, every kiln I pack with the thought that every piece in it is going to be FABULOUS.  Blind optimism runs my life.  I wonder what Tim's excuse is.

We definitely have our hands full with 3 kids.  Another mom was admitting that she NEVER goes out with her husband anymore.  It's kind of true for us as well.  Not only that, we don't see friends unless they have kids our kids' ages.  My neighbor, Kathy has 2 kids, 7 and 10.  They fit perfectly into our posse.  Kathy is now my best friend; I met her a year ago. If Lizzie Borden moved next door with 3 kids 9,8 and 6, she'd be my best friend too.  A waiter or a bartender will also become my best friend if he/she is at all interesting.  Jen and I went out with 4 kids for burgers and beers.  We are now at the stage that we can sit the kids at a different table.  The waitress amused our kids and then came over to tell us about her transgender life.  The kids would move in and out of the conversation as they visited our table to report each others transgressions.  At dessert, they couldn't choose between the milkshake or the doughnut for dessert, so transgender Scotty threw a doughnut in while the shakes were in the blender.  "Hmmmm, Jen, In Philly we put kale in our smoothies; in Lexington you throw in a doughnut????"  Scotty has an open invitation to come live with us in Philadelphia.  Hungover Jen had to deal with the question, "Mom, what's bottom surgery?" from her daughter on the way school, but that was the only fallout.

Jen has since told me about "snissing" which is wetting your pants when you sneeze. There are a lot of little annoying things like that about being a mom, but nothing's perfect.  I did an exchange program in France when I was 15.  We weren't wanted at school because the French kids were preparing for the BAC, and we distracted them, so the 4 other Americans and I roamed around the south of France for 3 months.  It was amazing.  I lived with a family in Juan les pins outside of Antibes.  They were fun and smart. I went skiing in the Alps, I saw tons of art.  I ate amazing food.  It was one of the best times in my life.   The only thing that really annoyed me was the pepper.  How could French people have such flawless taste in everything and then they go and choose white pepper over black?  I think about how much I missed black pepper on that trip.  I also think about how I used to hang out with friends and do whatever I wanted all the time, with neither sniss or peeze issues. Now I end each day going to bed exhausted, looking wretched and wondering what I did to f up my kids that day.  But every morning I wake up thinking my coffee is coming soon, and it's going to be a perfect day without tantrums, conduct referrals or mouse shit on the counter.

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