Monday, August 29, 2011

Hurricane Carbohydrates

We were unscathed by Hurricane Irene except that we ate crap all weekend. I took a cursory glance at one of the Hurricane preparation websites. Non-perishable food stuck in my head which translated into my writing "cheeseballs" on a grocery list. I cooked 2 lb of pasta and 12 ears of corn. Tim cooked a pound of bacon and a chocolate cake. A friend brought over a case of beer, and I bought 3 pints of naughty ice cream.

Once I commit to crappy food, I go for it. We went out, and I ate an entire mediocre Italian Hoagie. All I could think was that I should have thrown it directly into the toilet and skipped the middle man. Even the kids were glad to get back to our normal food. Last night Toby refused anything but 3 servings of broccoli. I baked 12 corn muffins (because no one wanted the corn, when they had fists full of cheeseballs) and they've been ignored. Jack Peter didn't even eat the chocolate cake in his lunch box. Maybe I'll force feed them crap every now and again.

All of this pales in comparison to my favorite Hurricane preparation story. My friend's mom lives in North Jersey. Her garden tomatoes are all perfect right now. She was not going to let Irene keep her from her tomato sandwiches. I'm going to remind you that mayo is extremely important to my family; remember dad's epitaph: This is where Peter Kinder ended his days from slathering on too much Hellman's Mayonnaise. In preparation for Irene, mayo-loving mom went to Burger King and ordered a single $.99 hamburger that she didn't want. She was there for the mayo packets. She was afraid the power would go out, and her Hellman's would spoil.

Clearly she hasn't been to a Burger King since the 90's as she was expecting the packets to be out in the open. Flummoxed, she had to ask the kid for the mayo.
"How many?" he said.
"Eight," she replied.
"They're not for me; they're for my mom. She's very ill..."

She should have gone to a rest stop on the turnpike. Last time I was there I served the kids dinner from the condiments bar. Sadly she did lose power and woke up Sunday morning to find her washer and dryer floating in her basement as her sump pump was no longer working. At least she was able to enjoy a tomato sandwich before calling the mold remediation guy.

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